Barack Obama, in a show of his godlike power, has promised to keep the world’s temperature from rising. Reports also indicate that, to set an environmentally friendly example, he will forgo the ride on Air Force One back across the Atlantic. Instead, the president will walk.
by Michael Naragon
Early this morning, while most Americans were asleep in their beds, Barack Obama was protecting the world, one degree at a time.
In a decisive maneuver to control the earth’s climate change, the U.S. president and his comrades at the G-8 summit promised to keep the world’s temperature from rising over 3.6°F (2.0°C). Details of the president’s plan are still sketchy, though the cap-and-trade bill passed by the House and due for debate in the Senate is likely a first step.
Obama may then contact the Defense Department, which has been largely idle now that the president has begun to gut the nation’s defenses, to put the resources of the military-industrial complex squarely behind the construction of a large orbital fan that can be used to cool portions of the earth that may attempt to exceed the president’s planetary decree.
The summit’s leaders also agreed to cut so-called greenhouse gases by 80 percent by 2050. Flint and tinder will be distributed to every member of the world’s population in anticipation of the return to neolithic conditions.
In a related story, at the time of the president’s announcement, members of the White House press corps reported a foul stench in their work room. Organizers claim it was a sewer malfunction, but press releases from the summit have been put on hold indefinitely while they attempt to trace the true cause of the stink.
In yet another related story, contrary to the 1996 International Panel on Climate Change finding that the world was warming, mankind was to blame, and we should all be dead by now, temperature studies have shown that the earth is now going through a cooling phase. A reporter in one of the G-8 press conferences who brought up the subject of global cooling was told that global warming causes global cooling. When he persisted in his questioning, he was removed from the room, beaten, stretched on a rack, burned at the stake in an environmentally responsible way, and his ashes spread across the Mediterranean.
Reports that the president will revive the ashen reporter are, at this point, pure conjecture.
It’s now called “global climate change” to cover all bases.
Are there any French reporters in the work room?
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